Joldi edged close enough to take his hand and squeeze it, but she didn't interrupt with any questions or anecdotes of her own. She seemed to understand that he wasn't done and if she said something now that he wouldn't be able to finish.
"I've always felt a great deal of guilt running from Nightcaller Temple and leaving my friends to die. I'll never forgive myself for that," Erandur said after a long silence. "I should have stayed down there with them. I should have been brave enough, dedicated enough to them-if not Vaermina-to brave the Miasma. You can't call someone 'brother' and then abandon them the first sign of hardship.
"After running from Nightcaller Temple, I wandered Skyrim for years until I was taken in by a priest of Mara who lived in Morthal," Erandur remembered with a bitter smile. "I had the worst nightmares the entire time. Vaermina's punishment, you see. I had ran away because I couldn't face the thought of enduring the Miasma's torments, and Vaermina decided to visit that very punishment onto me every night. You have to appreciate a daedric prince's sense of humor at times."
Joldi wrapped her arms around Erandur and hugged him as she wiped the tears away from his face. He rested his head on her shoulder, enjoying the soft cloth of the dress she had changed into after they had set up camp.
"After I accepted Mara's embrace, I stopped having the nightmares, but I knew I had to right the last wrong I had done. That's why I went back to Nightcaller's Temple," Erandur said when he could continue. He looked up into Joldi's shining green eyes. "I don't know what persuaded you to assist me when we met in Dawnstar, but I'm glad you did. I never would have been able to face those trials on my own. I was able to finally put my friends to rest and to remove the Skull from the mortal plane." He rubbed his head, trying to chase away the headache that was starting. "Unfortunately, I've started having the old nightmares again. They always leave me feeling irritable and disconnected."
"Is it Vaermina again?" Joldi whispered grimly.
"No," Erandur chuckled sourly. "I'm a mortal and all mortals dream, whether it be pleasant or horrid. I just can't let go of my greatest regret. I ask myself over and over if I have truly earned penitence. Can I ever repay the debt of betrayal? Am I a good man?"
"You are a good man," Joldi said firmly. "In the time we've known each other, I've seen nothing by kindness and compassion from you."
"It's easy with someone like you as a companion," Erandur said, blushing at Joldi's praise.
"I'm no innocent," Joldi snorted. "I've done my fair share of things I've regretted in my past, I promise you." She paused, nibbling her lip as she decided on what to say next. "I know a very wise…" Her hesitation was barely noticeable. "...Greybeard who talked to me once about morality. He posed to me a question that I find myself thinking about frequently. 'What is better: to be born good, or to overcome your evil nature through great effort?' He had been the general of a war that had caused the deaths of thousands of people. He realized at some point that his side's philosophy was wrong and rebelled to help save the people he had previously helped terrorize. It was a long time ago, but he is still trying to find salvation. I like to think someday he'll realize his worth, just like I think you will."
"Thank you, Joldi," Erandur said, "but you don't know the horrible things I did."
"I don't need to," Joldi insisted. "I know what kind of person you are now. Besides, I wouldn't have a crush on someone who was bad." She paused as she realized what she said, blushing a pretty pink in the fire light.
"You have a crush on me?" Erandur stammered. That would explain her reaction earlier when he snapped at her.
"Yeah, well, I sort of have a bit of a preference for priests," Joldi giggled nervously. "I sort of have one back in Whiterun waiting for me."
"Oh," Erandur said dejectedly. He should have known someone as special as Joldi already had someone.
Waking Regrets 5/?
Joldi edged close enough to take his hand and squeeze it, but she didn't interrupt with any questions or anecdotes of her own. She seemed to understand that he wasn't done and if she said something now that he wouldn't be able to finish.
"I've always felt a great deal of guilt running from Nightcaller Temple and leaving my friends to die. I'll never forgive myself for that," Erandur said after a long silence. "I should have stayed down there with them. I should have been brave enough, dedicated enough to them-if not Vaermina-to brave the Miasma. You can't call someone 'brother' and then abandon them the first sign of hardship.
"After running from Nightcaller Temple, I wandered Skyrim for years until I was taken in by a priest of Mara who lived in Morthal," Erandur remembered with a bitter smile. "I had the worst nightmares the entire time. Vaermina's punishment, you see. I had ran away because I couldn't face the thought of enduring the Miasma's torments, and Vaermina decided to visit that very punishment onto me every night. You have to appreciate a daedric prince's sense of humor at times."
Joldi wrapped her arms around Erandur and hugged him as she wiped the tears away from his face. He rested his head on her shoulder, enjoying the soft cloth of the dress she had changed into after they had set up camp.
"After I accepted Mara's embrace, I stopped having the nightmares, but I knew I had to right the last wrong I had done. That's why I went back to Nightcaller's Temple," Erandur said when he could continue. He looked up into Joldi's shining green eyes. "I don't know what persuaded you to assist me when we met in Dawnstar, but I'm glad you did. I never would have been able to face those trials on my own. I was able to finally put my friends to rest and to remove the Skull from the mortal plane." He rubbed his head, trying to chase away the headache that was starting. "Unfortunately, I've started having the old nightmares again. They always leave me feeling irritable and disconnected."
"Is it Vaermina again?" Joldi whispered grimly.
"No," Erandur chuckled sourly. "I'm a mortal and all mortals dream, whether it be pleasant or horrid. I just can't let go of my greatest regret. I ask myself over and over if I have truly earned penitence. Can I ever repay the debt of betrayal? Am I a good man?"
"You are a good man," Joldi said firmly. "In the time we've known each other, I've seen nothing by kindness and compassion from you."
"It's easy with someone like you as a companion," Erandur said, blushing at Joldi's praise.
"I'm no innocent," Joldi snorted. "I've done my fair share of things I've regretted in my past, I promise you." She paused, nibbling her lip as she decided on what to say next. "I know a very wise…" Her hesitation was barely noticeable. "...Greybeard who talked to me once about morality. He posed to me a question that I find myself thinking about frequently. 'What is better: to be born good, or to overcome your evil nature through great effort?' He had been the general of a war that had caused the deaths of thousands of people. He realized at some point that his side's philosophy was wrong and rebelled to help save the people he had previously helped terrorize. It was a long time ago, but he is still trying to find salvation. I like to think someday he'll realize his worth, just like I think you will."
"Thank you, Joldi," Erandur said, "but you don't know the horrible things I did."
"I don't need to," Joldi insisted. "I know what kind of person you are now. Besides, I wouldn't have a crush on someone who was bad." She paused as she realized what she said, blushing a pretty pink in the fire light.
"You have a crush on me?" Erandur stammered. That would explain her reaction earlier when he snapped at her.
"Yeah, well, I sort of have a bit of a preference for priests," Joldi giggled nervously. "I sort of have one back in Whiterun waiting for me."
"Oh," Erandur said dejectedly. He should have known someone as special as Joldi already had someone.