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A/N: I've had a crappy week with RL problems (in addition to the drama going on here ;) )and writing this chapter helped take my mind off it. I was going to take most of it out because it's a bit of a distraction to the main storyline and doesn't really add anything overall but hopefully it reflects Igne's changing (and not for the better) mental state :s

And a big thank you once again to all you lovely Anons <3

13. Wake

I headed to the tiny bunk room all the whelps shared where I washed and dressed rapidly in civilian clothes, kicking my discarded nightshirt to the bed. The mixed feelings of guilt, anger and grief had me in a dark mood and I slammed my fist into the wall in a futile attempt to release it. It didn't work, leaving me cradling my hand and cursing like a Riften fishwife. I didn't bother to heal it, the dull ache acting as a distraction and deep inside me I could feel the Beastblood stirring at the pain and anger, yearning to be free. My mind felt like a scattered mess. No, it was more than that; I felt lost, overwhelmed. Sinking down onto my tiny bed I rested my head in my hands, focusing on my breathing, trying to regain control.

Breathe in…

Breathe out…

Breathe-

A cough at the door interrupted me and I glanced up to see Torvar leaning against the door jamb, "Kodlak wants to speak to us all upstairs, Igne. He sent me to get you."
"Right." I hauled myself wearily to my feet. Torvar was still half-blocking the door, a concerned look in his eye.
"What actually happened, Igne?"
I froze. I wasn't sure what Kodlak had told the others, or how much they knew about the Circle's secret and about the Silver Hand.
"Please, tell us. All we know is Vilkas comes back with you half-dead in his arms and then Farkas arrives and tell us that Skjor's dead. The Circle won't tell us anything."
"I can't, Torvar. Ask Kodlak."
"We have. He's saying nothing. We need some answers, Igne."
I grimaced, "We were out on a mission and we got ambushed. They captured Skjor and me and Vilkas, Aela and Farkas rescued us. That's all I can say."
He still wasn't happy, I could tell, but he rolled off the door-frame to lead me up the stairs and into the hall.

Upstairs the entirety of Jorrvaskr had gathered in a loose circle around the fire, faces sombre and withdrawn. Instantly my eyes sought out Vilkas, kicking myself at the flush that went through my body as his dark gaze met mine. Aela was there, separated from Vilkas by his brother and Kodlak, still pale but with a simmering anger discernible even from across the hall.

Torvar pulled me into the circle to stand in-between Brill and himself as we waited for Kodlak to begin.

Kodlak looked weary, dark bags under his eyes, and his voice was quiet, "We have lost a brother this day. Skjor personified the honour of the Companions and his heart beat fiercely with courage. His loss diminishes us all but know that Skjor will not be forgotten, his name and his deeds will echo through the hall of Jorrvaskr for eternity, an inspiration to all and our words and deeds will honour his memory. We will not forget."
The low murmur echoed all around as we joined our voices, "We will not forget."

Kodlak let the silence stretch out a moment longer before he spoke again, "This is a day where our souls must cry, and our hearts will answer. Go. Grieve in whatever way you know."

The circle began to loosely break up, the members of Jorrvaskr loosely clustering together, talking in low voices. Only Aela and I didn't join in; Aela stalking straight back downstairs, face and body tight with suppressed anger. As for me I just stood there, feeling utterly disconnected from everything around me. Numb. It was a welcome change from the confusion and anger I'd felt earlier.

"How are you feeling now, Igne?" Njada's hoarse voice cut through my daze but it took me a moment to realise that she was talking to me.
"I'm fine."
She frowned slightly but carried on, "We're all heading to the Mare for a few drinks in Skjor's name now. Are you coming?"
"Yeah. Sure. I just need to speak to Kodlak quickly."

Kodlak was talking to Eorlund, Vilkas and Farkas. So I took a seat on the bench nearby and waited. The niggling dark voice that had been creeping more and more into my thoughts since I had discovered I was the Dragonborn was resurfacing, though whether it was being brought out by my captivity and Skjor's death or the Beastblood was anyone's guess. Not that it mattered.

It's time to stop being stupid and get down to business. No more distractions. No more playing games. Just duty. It's for the best anyway. It's not like you're actually going to survive this. It's not like you're going to have a future.

I had joined the Companions for a reason. And I had allowed myself to get distracted.

No more.

Kodlak had finished speaking with the two brothers, Vilkas casting me a hooded, unreadable glance as he strode off to speak with Ria. I hovered on the peripheries, waiting for Kodlak and as soon as Vilkas and Farkas were out of earshot he nodded me over.
"Kodlak? I know this is a bad time but I was wondering…can I look through your records later? I need to find the locations of Word Walls and the Companions have probably been to every cave and ruin in Skyrim at some point."

And I'm trying to avoid asking Delphine. I think that might make it too real.

The Harbinger gave me a tired smile, "Of course you can, Igne. But you'd be better off asking Vilkas which ones you need to look at. Sadly, I'm no scholar." He looked like a tired, old man. No more than that. He looked almost... defeated.

But what could I say? That I was sorry? Or that I would seek vengeance? Neither seemed quite right, almost trite and hollow, so I merely nodded and left him to his thoughts, joining the others as they prepared to head to the Bannered Mare.

Lydia was sat outside Jorrvaskr on one of the benches under the Gildergreen. As soon as she saw me, she sprang up, headed straight for me.
"Lyd-ow!" I rubbed my arm where her punch had landed, casting her a wounded glance as she glared down at me.
"Don't you dare do that again."
I resisted the urge to roll my eyes, "Good to see you too, Lydia."
Then I was utterly taken aback as Lydia, my stoic, unemotional Housecarl, pulled me into a hug. It only lasted a second but it felt... awkward. I just stood there, hands hovering at my sides until they came up to pat her on the back, whilst Farkas sniggered at me over her head. When she let me go, Farkas spoke up, "We're heading to the Mare for Skjor's wake, if you want to come."
"I shouldn't intrude." Though her gaze lingered a fraction of a second too long on Farkas's face.
Vilkas had picked up on it too, "Nonsense. Come along. Besides, someone has to keep an eye on Trouble over there."
"Hey!"

Grumpy bastard.

The Bannered Mare's finest Breton brandy tasted like rat's piss. But I didn't give a damn. All of us, apart from Kodlak, Aela, Vignar, Brill and Tilda who had all elected to remain at Jorrvaskr, were at the Bannered Mare, here to celebrate Skjor's life and death in the time-honoured tradition of the Companions; by getting absolutely pissed.
"To Skjor." Vilkas raised his glass.
"Skjor." We all echoed, drinking from our cups. Silence fell whilst we reflected for a moment then gradually the conversation began to build up to a low buzz. I remained silent, alone in a crowd. My mind kept flashing back to burning pain and utter helplessness.

Never again.

A giggle from my other side interrupted my brooding. Ria was whispering sotto voice to Athis, "I'm off to Morvarth with Vilkas." Athis asked her something, voice too low to catch in the babble of conversation. Ria's voice lowered even further as she replied, still giggling, and I strained to hear the next words, "...warm me up anytime."

I reached for the brandy bottle, pouring myself the last of the golden liquid. Across the table, next to Farkas, Lydia threw me a disapproving glare, which I ignored, downing the warm drink in one gulp.

Across the room Mikael had spotted me and decided that it was the perfect time to launch in that blasted song. My mood darkened further with each word and I got up from our table heading to the bar.
"It's an end to the evil of all Skyrim's foes-"
I slammed my coins down on the bar, "The strongest drink you have and keep it coming."

Maybe I can forget everything.

"Now that's the way to do it." The stranger next to me spoke up in a dry but approving voice. He proffered his hand and after eyeing him warily for a minute I shook it.
"I'm Sam. Sam Guevenne."
"Igne."
"Well, beautiful Igne, you look like someone who can hold their drink. How about a friendly con-test?"
"I'm not in the mood," I growled at him, downing the drink Hulda had placed in front of me.
"Come on, it'll be fun and it'll take your mind off all those worries."

Not worrying sounded good. Really good.

I glanced over uncertainly at my friends. Farkas and Lydia were smiling together in the corner, his hand gently stroking her forearm. Athis and Njada were bickering, as usual. Eorlund was talking quietly to Torvar and Vilkas- Vilkas had his hand resting on Ria's shoulder, the two of them stood slightly apart from the others, deep in conversation. Oh.

"Why not?"

"Haha!" Sam grinned, wrapping an arm around my shoulder and turning me away from them, pouring two small drinks from the pitcher next to him.
"Let's start; round one. Down the hatch!"
The liquid slid down my throat like fire and I pulled a face, wincing, "Bleurgh."
Sam laughed, slapping me on the back, "One down, my friend, one down."
"Then let's make it two." I grinned, pouring us both another and handing it to Sam.
"Bottoms up!"
I giggled, downing the drink in one and slamming my cup on the table. Sam laughed and poured another, though most ended up on the bar. We clinked our cups together, spilling more and then chugging it. I was definitely feeling the pleasant numbness that came from the alcohol. And damn it, it felt good.

I'll just have another drink.

I couldn't even taste the drink any more.

I think it must be losing it's potency. In that case I'll have another one to even it out. I don't want to cheat my friend Sam.

"So Igne, tell Uncle Sam, is there anyone special in your life ?"
"No. Only stupid grumpy stupid idiots." I pulled a face determinedly not looking at certain people across the room.
"Ooh! You know what? You should marry my friend! You'd be perfect for each other, in an opposites attract kind of way."
"Meh," I mulled it over, "Suuuure. Why not? Can't be worse than him."
"Yeah!" Sam pulled me into another hug, "Ooh, wear this ring then."
It was a pretty ring. With a pretty sapphire. "Awww. That's pretty."
"Now we can celebrate your engagement."
There was another drink hovering in front of my nose and I blearily focused on it, Sam laughed, "Can you manage?"
I wrinkled my nose, still giggling, "Only if you pour it down my throat?"
"Deal!"
Sam pressed the drink to my lips and I obediently drank, punching him lightly in the arm when he spilled half of it down my bodice. I went to reciprocate but the pitcher was empty and I turned to Sam, pouting, and thumping the bar in time with my words, "I want more."
"Okay, I'll just go get some. Why don't you go speak to your friends whilst you wait?"
That was a good idea. Sam was full of good ideas. Unlike me and my stupid, stupid feelings that made me do stupid, stupid things. Or certain stupid grumpy faced idiots with their stupid silly faces.

Right, that does it. I'm going to do it.

I staggered over to where my friends were gathered. Vilkas was glowering at me, no doubt disapproving of my decision to actually enjoy myself for once in my life, and I poked him in the chest several times to make sure I had his attention. Hard.
"I jus' wanna say, I hope you have lo's of fat bear-killing children together."
"What in Shor's name are you talking about? How drunk are you?"
"Nooooo….ooooo...oooooo" I slurred, wagging a finger in the general direction of the tall and grumpy blur, "I, sir, am perfectly schlober so there." I stuck out my tongue for good measure.
"I think our little Dragonborn appears to be jealous of you and Ria, brother," Farkas grinned. Beside him, Lydia snorted as Vilkas choked on his ale.
I glared petulantly at Farkas, "I am not! I happen to be a happily engaged woman."

I waggled my hand at them all, before realising that I was waving my right hand and quickly switched it to my left with the diamond and sapphire ring sparkling on it, "See? Now if you'll excuuuuse me, Sam and I have to go and see a giant about a goat."
The stunned silence to my proclamation was satisfying.
"What's wrong with giants wanting a goat? That's the kind of discriminat-atory thinking the Stormcloak's use."
I gave a haughty sniff, ignoring my speechless comrades, and spun round to careen off people towards the general direction of my new non-judging best friend.
Some people are so narrow minded...

Sam gave me a wicked looking grin as I threw my arm round him, "Let's go, Sammy boy!"
I grabbed his glass out of his hand and downed the liquid in one before letting Sam lead the way through the Bannered Mare to the door. I turned to stagger out into the fresh air after Sam, head spinning, only to be blocked by a wall. A wall that grasped my shoulder. Blinking to regain my focus, the wall coalesced into Vilkas.
"Are you really engaged?" He spoke so quietly that I had to concentrate to hear him over the revelries.
"I-" I couldn't think. And I felt sick. And it was really hot in here. I tugged at the laces in my stupid bodice, trying to loosen them, stopping only as Grumpy-Face pulled my hands away, "Well?"
He was ruining my good mood. Again. "Urgh. Why'd you even care? Shouldn't you be off cosyin' up to Ria before you go off on your little quest together?"
"Igne, you're drunk, you've been ill and you need sleep. Let's get you up to Jorrvaskr-"
"No." I yanked my hands out of his, "I am trying to have some fun. But apparently I'm not allowed to do that any more. In case a bloody fuckin' dragon swoops down on us. 'Cause that would be baaaad."
"Igne-"
I shook my head, pushing past the blur. He let me go. As I stepped out into the marketplace I could feel tears prick my eyes and I angrily swiped them away. The damn alcohol was making me teary and self-pitying and I hated that.

Sam was waiting for me in a pool of darkness by the well, "Shall we, my dear?"
He offered his arm in a mocking parody of the Cyrodilic nobility and shoving my confused feelings to one side, I took it with a wicked grin, swirling my imaginary skirts with my free hand as we strode off into the night.

ohhhh! and now? poor igne jealous and drunk! you know that you can not leave us hanging for a long time I'm curious to know how this story will end! vilkas, you could act a little! Chapters fantastic as always good work!

ohh you have to give us a new chapter soon! this is really good!

here we need the next chapter! I'm curious where the small igne can go! but I wanted a more decisive vilkas! XD

OP loves a good wine with her food and this flavour is very interesting! My addiction is sated for now but I'm needing my fills faster and faster before showing those withdrawal signs ;) you're doing great chef!

I feel that I can not wait too! how it will end! vilkas stop this girl jealous! :)

oh yes! I wait for the new chapter! : D

oh! and now! ? please do not make us wait!

when a new chapter? oh I feel that I can not wait any longer! :D

I am in complete abstinence! please update soon! so much love!

I miss your story! update please!

I am sad! :( ! Still waiting! Appearance news :)

Hey! Sorry lovely OP and Anons but I've not been very well the past fortnight and as such am now terribly behind on my chapters and general KinkMemeing :(

But I am back and working feverishly to get the next chapter done...it just might be a bit longer...Sorry!

OTL

But thank you all for your lovely comments- they cheered me up tremendously when I got back from the hospital today :)

not! oh I'm so sorry! I hope you can recover at best, and not just your story but for all! I'm rooting for you! take the time you need. just know that we are waiting for you, perhaps with more than one chapter! heheh! we are here! see you soon and take back completely! olè eee

I'm rooting for you! wait for this fantastic story, it's worth! you are great! good job!

Welcome back A!A! Sorry for the late reply, OP only just returned from a trip abroad!

Sorry to hear you've not been well, I hope it's nothing serious! Take your time, as eager as I am for a new chapter, your health is more important! Glad to have my chef back though ;)

I'm always here! I hope you're recovering! a great strength! you soon!

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