So basically I would like to see a smutty crack/humor piece with as many theme-appropriate bad metaphors as you can fit in. You know, "he thrust his gleaming daedric sword into the fires of her forge" and so on. Any pairing is fine, het, slash, I don't mind.

Bonus points if the humor is in the metaphors, i.e. it could be read with a straight face if not for the gleaming daedric swords.