No. No, I'm very far from all right, a Daedric Prince wants my body and soul, I'm addicted to the drug that can nullify a Bond of Matrimony, and you're my only hope of surviving. And I think you're going to take the kids and leave when you hear this one.
“Madanach?” Liriel asked, and the worry radiating off her tore at his heart, not just because she was upset but because he did not deserve the sympathy. He rejoined her on the bed, closing his eyes as she moved closer, pulling her into his arms, and this was nice, so nice, almost like being on the stuff again, except not quite... apart from the self-loathing, yes, that was exactly the same, almost. He didn't deserve her, not remotely.
“Madanach, stop it, you're doing it again, you're like you were before you...” Liriel clearly couldn't bring herself to say the words out loud but she sounded scared and that was wrong, all wrong, Liriel shouldn't be scared of anything. Madanach held her tighter, kissed her hair and enjoyed this while he still could.
“I'm not all right,” he whispered. “I'm a flawed, broken man who doesn't deserve someone beautiful and perfect like you in his life. You were happier before you met me and I think you'd be happier without me, but I can't bear to see you go. I sent you away because I thought it would be better for you, but it wasn't better for me. I lost all hope, Liriel. I don't have much now, but you're here at least.”
“It felt like you hated me, but you clearly don't, then you stopped the bond working somehow and you felt pleased, relieved even. Madanach, why the potions, what happened, what did you do??” Liriel had never been a stupid woman, and Madanach had always liked that. It made it very hard to fool her and that was something he could easily respect.
“I took Skooma,” Madanach confessed and there it was, out in the open, congratulations Liriel, you married a Skooma addict. “I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I won't – I mean, I promised – I just felt so lonely and it always took that away, made it all better. It's why I didn't know you were in trouble, I'm so sorry.”
Liriel was staring at him, just looking confused. “But... you haven't had the stuff since Cidhna Mine, you stopped the shakes with your magic, you're not addicted. You can't be an addict, you're king!”
“Anyone can be an addict, it's what we tell all the new entrants in the treatment programme,” Madanach said bitterly. “Just everywhere else, addicts are left to suffer, left to spend everything feeding their cravings and fall to the bottom. It's only in the Reach we ever bothered to try and help them. Because the Nords poisoned us with it, poisoned half my High Command... and me. You've no idea, Liriel. I could stop the shakes, I couldn't stop the cravings. Jenever helped, you helped, when you were in my arms it all went away. But never forever.”
Liriel's entire expression had changed, from confusion to horror and guilt and... sympathy? He must be imagining it, why she'd be sympathetic was beyond him.
“Why did you never say?” Liriel whispered. “You never told me, I thought you'd got over it, or never got addicted!”
“So did I,” Madanach said softly, feeling tears in his eyes, and then Liriel had her arms around him, holding him tight, her turn to comfort him now and Madanach clung on to her. She saved the world, she could save him, right? “But I haven't. Liriel, I promised Lucia I wouldn't do it again but I don't know if I can stop.”
“Lucia knows??” Liriel gasped and this was it, the end of his marriage and quite possibly his life, he knew it.
“She found me,” Madanach admitted. “I'd told Borkul not to let Nepos or Eola in, but when they realised you were in trouble, Borkul said Lucia could come and get me. They didn't know I was off my face on Skooma though.”
“Lucia saw you?” Liriel cried, and now she did look scandalised. Yes, there it was, the anger, the judgement, he'd lost her forever now.
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timeasmymeasure
Re: Thicker Than Blood 11.3
Date: 2014-03-03 10:59 pm (UTC)“Madanach?” Liriel asked, and the worry radiating off her tore at his heart, not just because she was upset but because he did not deserve the sympathy. He rejoined her on the bed, closing his eyes as she moved closer, pulling her into his arms, and this was nice, so nice, almost like being on the stuff again, except not quite... apart from the self-loathing, yes, that was exactly the same, almost. He didn't deserve her, not remotely.
“Madanach, stop it, you're doing it again, you're like you were before you...” Liriel clearly couldn't bring herself to say the words out loud but she sounded scared and that was wrong, all wrong, Liriel shouldn't be scared of anything. Madanach held her tighter, kissed her hair and enjoyed this while he still could.
“I'm not all right,” he whispered. “I'm a flawed, broken man who doesn't deserve someone beautiful and perfect like you in his life. You were happier before you met me and I think you'd be happier without me, but I can't bear to see you go. I sent you away because I thought it would be better for you, but it wasn't better for me. I lost all hope, Liriel. I don't have much now, but you're here at least.”
“It felt like you hated me, but you clearly don't, then you stopped the bond working somehow and you felt pleased, relieved even. Madanach, why the potions, what happened, what did you do??” Liriel had never been a stupid woman, and Madanach had always liked that. It made it very hard to fool her and that was something he could easily respect.
“I took Skooma,” Madanach confessed and there it was, out in the open, congratulations Liriel, you married a Skooma addict. “I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I won't – I mean, I promised – I just felt so lonely and it always took that away, made it all better. It's why I didn't know you were in trouble, I'm so sorry.”
Liriel was staring at him, just looking confused. “But... you haven't had the stuff since Cidhna Mine, you stopped the shakes with your magic, you're not addicted. You can't be an addict, you're king!”
“Anyone can be an addict, it's what we tell all the new entrants in the treatment programme,” Madanach said bitterly. “Just everywhere else, addicts are left to suffer, left to spend everything feeding their cravings and fall to the bottom. It's only in the Reach we ever bothered to try and help them. Because the Nords poisoned us with it, poisoned half my High Command... and me. You've no idea, Liriel. I could stop the shakes, I couldn't stop the cravings. Jenever helped, you helped, when you were in my arms it all went away. But never forever.”
Liriel's entire expression had changed, from confusion to horror and guilt and... sympathy? He must be imagining it, why she'd be sympathetic was beyond him.
“Why did you never say?” Liriel whispered. “You never told me, I thought you'd got over it, or never got addicted!”
“So did I,” Madanach said softly, feeling tears in his eyes, and then Liriel had her arms around him, holding him tight, her turn to comfort him now and Madanach clung on to her. She saved the world, she could save him, right? “But I haven't. Liriel, I promised Lucia I wouldn't do it again but I don't know if I can stop.”
“Lucia knows??” Liriel gasped and this was it, the end of his marriage and quite possibly his life, he knew it.
“She found me,” Madanach admitted. “I'd told Borkul not to let Nepos or Eola in, but when they realised you were in trouble, Borkul said Lucia could come and get me. They didn't know I was off my face on Skooma though.”
“Lucia saw you?” Liriel cried, and now she did look scandalised. Yes, there it was, the anger, the judgement, he'd lost her forever now.