skyrimkinkmeme | Skyrim Page 5 - "NAKED! Naked naked naked "

Skyrim Page 5 - "NAKED! Naked naked naked "

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As much as I enjoy the three songs you hear in taverns, there has to be more. I cannot see The Companions singing nothing on loud, drunken nights or The Thieves Guild not having a secret song they sing together or tales of epic robberies. So thats my proposal, really. Give me more songs of Skyrim! From all over the map!

Though I will say it would be a bonus if a certain bard sang dirty limericks about the girls in town and proceeds to get an ass-kicking.

Seconded. Epic heist songs sound really cool.

Tags: Crack, humor, gen
Characters: Mikael, F!DB, several major women of Whiterun
x-x-x-x-x

After a particularly bad week of disastrous courting attempts, Mikael slammed down his eighth bottle of mead and shot to his feet. Stumbling from the bar to the center of the Bannered Mare, he grabbed his lute and strummed it loudly and off-key.

Listen long! Listen well!
I’ve a song for this hell!
For this shithole called Whiterun,
Where dames laugh at your spell.
If you’re a man, use your hand!
Women don’t understand
That we just want to plow them
And their anger is grand!
Olfina the fair,
Such an infuriated stare!
I just want in your knickers,
No need for the glare!
Irileth the Housecarl,
You must be banging our Jarl
Since you rudely bitch-slapped me
And don’t give me that snarl!
Aela the Huntress,
Your Companions did witness
My arse struck by arrows
After my lust was confessed!
Uthgerd the Unbroken,
You rejected my token
Of love by punching me
Before I’d even spoken!
Adrienne the blacksmith,
Must be a child of Lilith!
For only a demoness
Would send her spouse twice my width!
Danica the pure,
Acting prim and demure,
Lesbian only around me!
Why must I endure?!
Carlotta the beauty,
I was only doing my duty
As a man seeking romance
And smoking MILF booty!
Dovahkiin! Dovahkiin!
Of the cunts, you are QUEEN!
Broke my heart ten times over!
I hope you're fucked in ways obscene!

In the midst of his highly inappropriate song, Mikael noticed too late the enraged women closing in on him, with the growling Dragonborn at the forefront, lightning sparking from her hands.

...And not a minute later, in the Great Hall of Dragonsreach, Jarl Balgruuf glanced at his steward when a sonic boom erupted from the plains district of the city.

"Ah, the Dragonborn must be in town. Proventius, go ahead and arrange for her umpteenth release from arrest, as she's only going to throw gold coins at us until her bounty is paid off, anyway. Though I wonder which unfortunate soul ignited her temper this time?"

ANON. /anon/. Lovely Author!Anon.

This was brilliant, and I mean absolutely great. I was cracking up so hard at this (and I admit I sang it aloud). Just... Oh man. The ending was no doubt the best and I love Mikael's love and hatred for our Dovahkiin.

He may be irritating but I love that bard so much. Thanks for giving me a great fill!

Yay! I'm glad you enjoyed it, OP! I had way too much fun with it :D

This was beautiful. Thanks for making me laugh :D

Thanks for reading! :)

This is the best thing ever. I laughed and laughed and laughed. XD

Lol! I'm happy to be of amusement :D

Vex totally gets pissed and bellows this in the Flagon, kay.

And now with our pockets filled,
All pay tribute to the guild!
Cut-throats! Smugglers! Thieves and beggars!
Never shall we die!

You can cut a purse or two
but always to the Guild be true!
A step a head of the hangmans noose,
never shall we die!

Passers-by pay heed to we;
nothing in this life is free!
So don't be bold, give us your gold!
Perhaps we'll leave you alive!

Oh my God, Author!Anon! Like the only thought in my head is BLARGHAHAGHAHGHH because THIS IS PERFECT. Oh my God, I can see them all singing this on a drunken night with Vex!

God, I almost want to write a fanfic around this! This is perfect! You're perfect Anon! Thank you so much!

Oh my god and Delvin would join in no doubt and would there be banging tankards on tables and stomping and hjhfh I love this. I love you A!A

By the last stanza it's totally not singing. It's just incomprehensible shouting.

A!A is so pleased you like it! I'm tickled pink by your comments! :)

Like it!

At 'cut throats smugglers thieves and beggars', the tune i was trying to work out in my head turned it into 'gypsies tramps and thieves' haha.

A la Khajit

I was born in the wagon of a travellin' show
My papa used to sell the moon sugar we'd grow
Mama would do whatever she could
But they'd say ,"No room for Khajit here."
So we'd get going, while the going was good

Gypsies, tramps, and thieves
We'd hear it from the people in the holds
They'd call us gypsies, tramps, and thieves
But every night the soldiers came around
And drink their skooma down

Picked up a cat south of Winterhold
Gave him a ride, welcomed him to the fold
I was sixteen, he was twenty-one
Rode with us to Riften
And papa woulda cut him if he knew what he'd done

Gypsies, tramps, and thieves
We'd hear it from the people in the holds
They'd call us gypsies, tramps, and thieves
But every night the soldiers came around
And drink their skooma down

Never did much foolin' but he taught me well
With his smooth Elsewyr smile
Three months later I'm a gal in trouble
And I haven't seen him for a while,
I haven't seen him for a while,

They were born in the wagon of a travellin' show
Mama used to sell the moon sugar they'd grow
Grandma'd do whatever she could
But they'd say, "No room for Khajit here"
So we'd get going whilst the going was good.

LOVE!

Jesus Christ on a pogo stick -- I never thought I'd see CHER in my kink meme. And an AWESOME fill at that! Bless you.

Rozenn was stuck in Whiterun Hold. She had survived hypothermia with some new recruits - and the Jarl's handsome General, and she had also defeated the Ice Wraith, and was a Stormcloak in truth.

However, the people of Whiterun had been suffering from bandit attacks lately while she had been in Eastmarch and the Rift, so she felt the need to remain in Breezehome for some weeks to deal with the attackers.

And tonight she was in no mood for the Drunken Huntsman and Jenassa's unsubtle come-ons, so she made her way to The Bannered Mare to wet her metaphorical whistle. The only problem with the Bannered Mare was the Bard. Rozenn didn't really mind the bards of Skyrim (especially after she had joined the Bards' College in Solitude) and quite liked "Ragnar the Red". But Mikael was no Talsgar the Wanderer. And when he looked at her, leered at her in truth, she shuddered.

"Dovakiin, Dovahkiin,
On you I am keen.
You make me so rigid,
So eager to please,
You little tease,
But you're frigid,
And give me no peace--"

"IIS!"

Huffing in irritation, Rozenn stood up from her stool, nodded an apology to Farkas and Vilkas, upon whom the frozen bard had fallen, turned and left.

"I think I'd like to hear Luaffyn's voice," Rozenn muttered to herself. "And maybe stare at that Galmar from a corner all night."

Haha, I can imagine him singing this under his breath just in earshot to annoy her. Serves him right harassing the dragonborn!

This is sort of stupid. But I felt an urge to join in... it's early morning, alright? :P :P

*

Say a prayer, say farewell to sweet sunlight;
as the moon rises high in the dead of night!
Say goodbye, bid adieu to your pitiful life!
A final sweet kiss for your pretty young wife!
For a Brother comes calling with a wicked, sharp knife!

“I didn't expect him to sing so well,” Babette murmured to the Listener. Their esteemed leader didn't reply at first, merely continuing to watch as Cicero capered before them with his latest composition. Several had come before, one a ballad, another a limerick. This song, however, held promise.

We'll kill them all for a price, be it sir or miss!
With a snarl or a laugh or an angry hiss!
A scarlet slash at your throat, or a poisoned kiss!
To the void with you, friend, to the blackest bliss---

“No. No Cicero. Stop.” said the Listener, with a frown.

Cicero stopped mid-melody, looking greviously wounded at the interruption. “Stop?" he shrieked. "You wish poor Cicero to cease with his singing? And he worked so hard on it, too!"

Listener shook his head back and forth, clearly ill at ease. "A poisoned kiss?" he repeated. “A poisoned kiss? We're assassins. Psh. Poisoned kiss. It's more 'whore-with-a-grudge' than 'trained killer', don't you agree? Babette?”

“Well what does Listener suggest?” demanded Cicero. Fierce and frustrated, he hopped from one foot to the other. This was the fifth attempt at a ditty. “What else rhymes with bliss?!”

“Why not 'a poisoned kiss?” was what Babette wanted to know. “It fits rather well, in my opinion.”

“When have you ever killed with a kiss? I never have,” the Listener scoffed back. “No. Wait. Well.... there was that one girl. Muiri. But that was an accident.”

“Not many men are interested in kissing a little girl,” Babette pointed out, quite matter-of-fact. “And you have killed with a kiss, then. Or manslaughtered, even.”

“Put me right off romance, I can tell you.”

“Reminisce?” said Cicero.

“I have a rhyme brother,” said a spectral figure in the corner. His fellow brothers and sisters knew him as the infamous Lucien Lachance. He too possessed an affinity for song, and sung with a very tender baritone if asked nicely. “Might I suggest the word 'abyss'?”

“My dear friend,” sighed Babette, almost sick of song. “You have a very strange idea of advertising.”

“Chrysalis?

“Remiss?”

“Oh come now,” was their Listener's reply. “Skyrim's in dire need of new songs, we're in need of new customers. It's the perfect solution.”

“Dismiss?” offered Lucien. “...piss?”

“Oh grow up!” Listener scowled at their vulgarity and Cicero's immature giggling. “We'll leave it at kiss for now, but don't think I'm happy about it.”

“And Lucien, dear fellow,” he turned to the spectre. “Harmonies, brother. Harmonies. You have an impressive range. Use it.”

“...yes, Listener. Apologies.” Babbette's vampiric senses also picked up a few phrases such as purification and bloody cheek muttered beneath the spectre's breath.

Cicero was only too happy to begin again. “From the top, Listener?" he bowed jauntily.

“Yes, Cicero,” the Listener leaned back in his chair, ready to do what he did best. “Once again. From the top."

*
And two weeks later the Bards College receives a weird blood-stained letter that reads publish our song or else. DB.

Haha I liked this. I always enjoy DB stories where they're just bumbling around.

It's a good song, I can imagine the DB losing some of their scary rep if they sent it off in their own name though.

I'd love to see all of these song modded into the game somehow :D

It's the last line that makes it. I'm imagining a mostly good-natured (for the brotherhood) squabbling fit over the final draft that involves knives and threats towards various body parts.

Note: Now that there's a convenient opportunity, I have to get this clumsy song out of my head. Variants of it have been there for longer than a year, I think, so I just have to... get it out getitout getitout.

________________________

My brother's not a Nord, but when his mettle had been tested,
He drank his fill with all the rest and found that he had quested

From grassy plain to hoary heath,
From Dragon's Bridge to ol' Kilkreath,
Both over top and underneath
The skirts of Morthal from Falkreath!

And I can think of many things
That revelry and drinking brings,
But getting lost in swamp and rot
Doesn't seem to be worth a lot!

(So...)
In getting blind and stinking drunk, I know he has me bested,
But praise the gods, I never fear that I might get arrested!

For wedding hags as but a joke,
And freeing farmers from their goats,
And fleeing off into the night
To vomit 'till the morning-light!

And I can think of many things
That revelry and drinking brings,
But getting pilloried or shot
By soldiers isn't worth a lot!

So...
Far from my home, and all alone, I found my spirit wanting
The presence of that ass I call a brother, and his taunting.

Where golden plain to tundra yields,
I trod beyond, with vain appeals,
'Till half-year hence, a letter crude
Revealed he was in Solitude!

So goes my tale, though not to scale; in detail sorely lacking,
Which I will end upon this note (your patience may be cracking):

It's still a mystery to me- how came he to the region?
The only thing he knows is that he woke up in the Legion!

I probably should have mentioned that this was written with another prompt in mind, so that is why certain details of the A Night to Remember quest are out of order/made up.

A Companion's song for the post-mortem cure and the dragonborn who found it.

Companions met in Whiterun
with their bellies full of mead
for honor for glory for coin
their swords swung for those in need

They drank and sang and howled
after every bloody fight,
reveling in their victories
reveling in their might

The Dragonborn among them
The Circle knew they could not fail
They trudged through the ice and snow
knowing that they would prevail

Silver swords tore through the hides
wolfish warriors had donned
The few left of the Circle vowed revenge
while Wuuthrad's edge was honed.

Hagraven's head in hand
The circle traveled North
To the tomb of Ysgrammor
companions marched on forth.

The Harbringers were dead
trapped by Lord of the Hunt
Into the fire the Hagraven's heads
A wolfish spirit slain

Kodlak's spirit freed
To Sovengarde.

...
Insert snark by Athis about how, "Well I won't go to Sovengarde."

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