skyrimkinkmeme | Skyrim Page 5 - "NAKED! Naked naked naked "

Skip to Main Content

Skyrim Page 5 - "NAKED! Naked naked naked "

CLOSED FOR PROMPTS,

BUT OPEN FOR FILLS

HELPFUL TIPS

>Please post your prompts with the paired characters and any notable kinks/trigger warnings in the title.
>When posting prompts, always remember to add kinks you're both looking for and wanting to avoid in a potential fill.
>When filling, please remember to add your story tags: characters, relationship types, kinks, series and universe (ie: skyrim)
>Our character limit here at LJ is 4300.
>If you have any other questions about posting, visit the HOW TO KINK MEME THREAD, under the Page Summary on your left.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"I quite like you with a beard." A voice came from the doorway. Erandur tried to laugh, but when Onmund's solemn face came into view, the noise died in his throat. "It's fetching. But makes you seem older than you are."

Erandur stayed quiet. He wanted to feign sleep, but he had already laughed once. "Yes, well." he began curtly, "I'm waiting for Ryla's word on my well-being."

Onmund stared, his eyes burning trails into Erandur's exposed skin as he looked. "Where'd you go?" He asked, "Or is it none of my business?"

Erandur cleared his throat, "It's not that it's none of your business, it's no one's business, really."

"I heard Arch-Mage Ryla talking to Enthir about Nightcaller Temple, is that where you were?"

Damn. "Yes, Onmund." Erandur was growing tired. Enthir had said Onmund was fine, but the lack of emotion in his voice hinted otherwise. "Are you... Okay?"

Onmund looked away, flexing his fingers. "Same as you. Waiting for word from the arch-mage." Erandur blanched. So Onmund had realized he'd been taken afvantage of. "I was quite... devastated when you left." Onmund started. "I guess somewhere along the line I... fell in love with you. More of an unhealthy obsession, really." Erandur nodded, he should have known. "Arch-Mage Ryla says it was a kind of hero-worship. But instead of the hero... I was obsessed with the underdog."

"Underdog worship, huh?" Erandur laughed a little, "I've never been called that."

"It doesn't change my feelings though." Onmund continued, ignoring Erandur's comment. "I think I do love you, and I did want to have sex with you, but you're right." Erandur nodded again, not wanting to derail Onmund's train of thought. "I am a child. That's why I was so easily damaged when you left." He paused and kicked something with his boot lightly. The decor atop the item josteled with a pretty tinkle. "But I'm working on it. I'm working on becoming a man. A man like you." Onmund finally looked back at Erandur, their eyes meeting.

"Come here." Erandur whispered.

"I'd rather stay here."

Erandur sat up with difficulty, the exile had been harder on him than he thought. He grunted as he planted his feet and stood. Shakily, he moved to Onmund and placed his fingertips underneath the nord's chin and tilted it so that Onmund was looking up at him. The elf's magik sparked against Onmund's lips as they neared, and their lips touched. Finally, Erandur felt forgiven.

Hi:
Overall this was a well written story. I totally enjoyed it. You planned the story out and drew me in as a reader. I became interested in the characters and their outcomes. I would suggest you explore the emotions a bit more. What was Erandur truly feeling when he slept with Onmund? At first was it only an outlet? Or were there deeper feelings shimmering there? The ending was a little abrupt. We don't really get to understand what's in the immediate future. Is it a fair thee well kiss, before Ormund leaves seek manhood? Or did the two of them stay together. It's hinted at but we never really get to know Erandurs feelings for Ormund. Or maybe he didn't understand them himself. Anyway, those were my thoughts. You did a very fine job with this. I would like to read more from you about these two.

Yes, thank you for critiquing me. Unfortunately, endings are my weakest point. This is about as good as it gets for me. Sometimes I get caught up in the story and forget that my readers don't know everything I do. I'm currently writing a few epilouges addressing this issue. and will probably post the epilogue to this in a few days or weeks. :) Thanks for replying!!

Hey anon,

First of all, really enjoyed the story, so I hope you don't mind me offering some critique for you.

I really liked your plot in this. It was an interesting idea and you carried the ideas through the piece well. The concept of looking at Erandur's feelings towards Ryla and then how he reacts to Onmund is quite interesting. I have to say as well, I thought you wrote Onmund well, especially capturing his naivety and youth as well as his enthusiasm. His change in character towards the end after the events had occurred were nice too. He didn't change too much, the essence of his character was still there, but you could see how he had been affected and forced to grow. It was a nice touch.

As for the things I thought need a bit of tweaking perhaps there were only two:
I found that, now and then, the story moved a bit too quickly and I got a little lost as to what was happening. Usually, I think it was a change of scene, especially Erandur's return to Nightcaller Temple and then back to the college? I think perhaps, some extra punctuation might solve the worst of that, maybe just using a dash or something to separate out paragraphs that are occurring in different locations.

The second issue I had was that I found Erandur to be a little bit out of character every now and then. There are parts where I think you wrote him beautifully, his self doubting or self hating moments where he thinks back to his past etc. The bits that I found ooc are probably just a personal thing, (since I imagine everyone views characters in different ways, depending on how they interpret things they do or say), but for me, he was a tad blunt or over-reactive, I suppose. As a wise old elf who's a priest of Mara, I imagine him to be almost endlessly patient and understanding of people, always using careful, measured, quiet responses, unless in extreme situations. At times he seems to respond quite violently (ish) to things. To use an example 'Erandur came from his day dream, finding Ryla's beautiful smiling eyes on him and he flushed, looking away from her. "What?!" He snapped, but her smile only grew.' Although I can understand exactly why someone would give this reaction in this situation, I would imagine Erandur to simply change the subject or gloss over his embarrassment. Again, these are all just personal tastes.

Anyway in summary, very good overall, and I look forward to seeing more of your work (if I can find it on here). Hope my critique was helpful and not too harsh :)

Coming from a person that often has difficulty taking constructive criticism, this little piece makes me so, so happy. Which is weird, but I guess the reason why is because the things you didn't like were so small!

I did have punctuation separating shifts in time and place, but I guess when I copied the text from my word document, the punctuation didn't follow or I thought I didn't need it because it was a new post online. I don't know.

As for Erandur being OOC, ugh. I know. It was difficult portraying him because, like you said, he's a priest of Mara and I see him being pretty patient and kind, but then in game when you stand too close he shouts, "What the-!" and moves away, as well as when you heal him he snaps, "I hope you're not expecting a thank you." I guess I just imagined that after spending so much time with my Dragonborn, he was comfortable enough to express things more honestly....?

Anyways, I'm so glad you liked it! I do have some other stories posted on here one about an Orc (Boltraz) and Ulfric, there's also another one featuring Cicero and The Listener (Kilah). So sorry about the shameless self-promotion. :\

So what are the names of your other work and what pages will I find them on? I didn't write the above comment but would like to read more of your work.

This is the A!A. I'm so flattered~! The one with Boltraz and Ulfric is titled Jarl Ulfric Stormcloak's Reconciliation. It's got non-con, but has an epilogue that doesn't. :)

The one with Kilah and Cicero is titled Lesson Number One and doesn't actually have a sex scene, but some heavy petting and a (great?) Makeout scene. :)

'///' <blushing.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only