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skyrimkinkmeme CLOSED FOR PROMPTS,
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BUT OPEN FOR FILLS
HELPFUL TIPS
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>When posting prompts, always remember to add kinks you're both looking for and wanting to avoid in a potential fill.
>When filling, please remember to add your story tags: characters, relationship types, kinks, series and universe (ie: skyrim)
>Our character limit here at LJ is 4300.
>If you have any other questions about posting, visit the HOW TO KINK MEME THREAD, under the Page Summary on your left.
Re: Forgiveness [3/3] END
Date: 2014-04-05 11:11 pm (UTC)First of all, really enjoyed the story, so I hope you don't mind me offering some critique for you.
I really liked your plot in this. It was an interesting idea and you carried the ideas through the piece well. The concept of looking at Erandur's feelings towards Ryla and then how he reacts to Onmund is quite interesting. I have to say as well, I thought you wrote Onmund well, especially capturing his naivety and youth as well as his enthusiasm. His change in character towards the end after the events had occurred were nice too. He didn't change too much, the essence of his character was still there, but you could see how he had been affected and forced to grow. It was a nice touch.
As for the things I thought need a bit of tweaking perhaps there were only two:
I found that, now and then, the story moved a bit too quickly and I got a little lost as to what was happening. Usually, I think it was a change of scene, especially Erandur's return to Nightcaller Temple and then back to the college? I think perhaps, some extra punctuation might solve the worst of that, maybe just using a dash or something to separate out paragraphs that are occurring in different locations.
The second issue I had was that I found Erandur to be a little bit out of character every now and then. There are parts where I think you wrote him beautifully, his self doubting or self hating moments where he thinks back to his past etc. The bits that I found ooc are probably just a personal thing, (since I imagine everyone views characters in different ways, depending on how they interpret things they do or say), but for me, he was a tad blunt or over-reactive, I suppose. As a wise old elf who's a priest of Mara, I imagine him to be almost endlessly patient and understanding of people, always using careful, measured, quiet responses, unless in extreme situations. At times he seems to respond quite violently (ish) to things. To use an example 'Erandur came from his day dream, finding Ryla's beautiful smiling eyes on him and he flushed, looking away from her. "What?!" He snapped, but her smile only grew.' Although I can understand exactly why someone would give this reaction in this situation, I would imagine Erandur to simply change the subject or gloss over his embarrassment. Again, these are all just personal tastes.
Anyway in summary, very good overall, and I look forward to seeing more of your work (if I can find it on here). Hope my critique was helpful and not too harsh :)
Re: A!A is happy!
I did have punctuation separating shifts in time and place, but I guess when I copied the text from my word document, the punctuation didn't follow or I thought I didn't need it because it was a new post online. I don't know.
As for Erandur being OOC, ugh. I know. It was difficult portraying him because, like you said, he's a priest of Mara and I see him being pretty patient and kind, but then in game when you stand too close he shouts, "What the-!" and moves away, as well as when you heal him he snaps, "I hope you're not expecting a thank you." I guess I just imagined that after spending so much time with my Dragonborn, he was comfortable enough to express things more honestly....?
Anyways, I'm so glad you liked it! I do have some other stories posted on here one about an Orc (Boltraz) and Ulfric, there's also another one featuring Cicero and The Listener (Kilah). So sorry about the shameless self-promotion. :\
Re: A!A is happy!
Date: 2014-04-06 09:04 pm (UTC)Re: A!A is happy!
Date: 2014-04-07 10:54 pm (UTC)The one with Kilah and Cicero is titled Lesson Number One and doesn't actually have a sex scene, but some heavy petting and a (great?) Makeout scene. :)
'///' <blushing.